PS: Merry Christmas

This is the thing. You see I need to know. It’s not like I’m trying to pester you. I just need to understand. I need to find something to do with all these feelings. 

I guess I’m being selfish. This isn’t for you. It’s for me. 

I’m confused. I like you. I’m want to love you but I don’t want to be alone in it. You see I have had a rough life. I have always needed attention and love. I feel like I have never really had love for keeps. Everything and everyone I love always seems to go away. I’m tired of being the lone race runner.
I hate the way you treat me. The way you leave me to walk on my own like I’m some paid escort. I hate how you don’t listen to my opinions. It never seems to make sense or hold water with you. I hate that pleasing me is never a priority. You really don’t care if I’m pleased or not so long as you are. I hate the way you shut me up and say hurtful things to me. You see it hurts. You say I’m fat, I’m stubborn, I’m not as smart. 

You hurt me. I try I really do. I joined a gym, I haven’t had a alot of my favorite meals in a while. I’ve lost a couple of kgs, but you don’t seem to notice. I never make you do what I want. I beg to make myself heard but still I’m stubborn. Why? Bcos I don’t want  to sit on your leg like a common prostitute in the public? You see I don’t understand you. 

Im hurting and the worst part is I can’t talk about it or ask you why you do this to me or make me feel this way, bcos well I don’t feel like I have the right to. 

Where are all the condoms you bought on the 4th of December? You bought 3 packs, where are they? I know that you are sleeping with other people. It hurts. But again I can’t talk about it. 

Help me. I need to know. Do you love me? Are we or are we not dating? What are we doing? Tell me. I need to know.

It’s a special day. I don’t want to spoil it. I’m sorry if this is too much. 

PS: Merry Christmas. 

SugaRush

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