Letter to White.

Unedited.

Dear White,

Your first impulse would be not to open this letter. I really don’t blame you. It could be one of my ploys to rope you back into the prison like relationship that we had. I totally understand.

No, I do not want you back. Why am I then writing this letter? I am writing to apologize.

I wronged you, only now do I realize. I stripped you of your manliness, of your pride, of your self respect. I imprisoned you. Demoralized you with my words, belittled you with my actions. I ripped your essence apart.

Believe me when I say I didn’t do these knowingly. I loved you, heck I love you. I love you so much, and I couldn’t understand how it was possible for me not to feel the same velocity of love flowing from you. I forgot that we are different beings, I forgot that I fell in love with your calmness. I wanted you all to myself, I couldn’t bear to understand how you would live a passing minute without waiting to be with me. But you are you, you were you before I came. I didn’t respect that. I wanted to be in your physical and cyber space, not because I intended to ruin you, but because I love you. I sound crazy, even to myself I sound crazy. Now I realize.

I hurt your ego when you couldn’t provide for me, and I turned to others to do so. I can imagine how belittled you must have felt. Unable to stop me and at the same time burning with rage inside. I couldn’t see this. I didn’t understand. In my head, we needed the money. It was for us. But really it hurt us more than it helped us.

One thing I can hit my chest boldly and scream out at the rooftop to all who care to listen is that no other man had canal knowledge of me while I was with you.
But the flirtations here and there. the leading on of other men, the disrespect for our relationship, invariably, disrespect for you, I was guilty of.
I gave you reason to doubt me. Reason to be bitter, reason to feel betrayed.

I hurt you with pressure. The excessive pressure to do what I wanted. I tried to remold you into the man in my fantasy. I didn’t acknowledge the man that you were right in front of me.

I hurt you in numerous way. Now I see and I understand. The insight comes a little too late, and I can no longer mend our broken hearts. But I can apologize for torturing you with love.

I’m sorry.

With Sugary Hands….
SugaRush

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You’ve Lost Me

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This is not a poem, this has no artistic touch whatsoever. It’s as plain as it can be. This is for anybody that can relate to this on this day of Love.

There was a time
You had my attention
Breathing only when you commanded
My decisions centered around you
Love letters I wrote, one for each passing day
Pouring passion into words and heartbeat in ink

Then I saw you
Far away from the starting line of the race
I was a lone runner
No one to pass the baton to
You could care less
I really didn’t matter as much anymore,
Heck! I doubt if I ever mattered.
Lone runner in a relay race

Pushing me away at every turn still I held on,
Love blinded my reasoning,
Tossing away my pride I begged you not to discard me,
I lost myself, lost my voice.

Walking on eggshells,
I scampered carefully to hold us together
The leather of my skin turned into a band to tie us together
Washing away the pain with my blood

“Sorry” how I loathe that word!
Too quick, you were to say it
Hardly were you ever truly sorry.
I lingered and loved and fought battles in my head

Here I am, conceding defeat
But it feels like victory
The love I have for you is beginning to go cold
The veil is getting lifted from my eyes
I think again, I live again for me

There was a time you had my attention
Breathing only when you commanded….
Now, you are a second thought.

My tummy doesn’t tie in a knot when I see your messages anymore,
I don’t get angry when I see you flirt openly, it used to irk me, now it amuses me
You are no longer worth fighting for.

We could have been, you know.
We had everything we needed except ofcourse we didn’t have you.
Maybe you were afraid to love, or you just didn’t want to love me.

I tried, you know i did.
You would rather follow the mirage that the Internet space gave you.
Rather give handles the compliments I was dying to hear
Have conversations with contacts, when all I wanted was to listen to you.

You didn’t even notice when I began to learn to live without you.
When I showed up sparingly at where used to be my home.
When I didn’t care for a goodbye kiss or a hug or even a walk.

Now we live in formalities,
Pretending that we care about each other as we ought.
The “hey” and routine questions about your day and food.
Talking about surface things, and really nothing at all.
Maybe it’s up to one of us to close the door, I’d suggest you.
You’ve gotten a ton of practice.

Time they say heals all wounds,
time has been kind to me.
Wounds are closing up, the marks are fading.
If you walk away today, I’d bid you adieu cos now I’m certain that you’ve lost me.

Happy Valentines Day

With Sugary Love…..
SugaRush.