Your first impulse would be not to open this letter. I really don’t blame you. It could be one of my ploys to rope you back into the prison like relationship that we had. I totally understand.
No, I do not want you back. Why am I then writing this letter? I am writing to apologize.
I wronged you, only now do I realize. I stripped you of your manliness, of your pride, of your self respect. I imprisoned you. Demoralized you with my words, belittled you with my actions. I ripped your essence apart.
Believe me when I say I didn’t do these knowingly. I loved you, heck I love you. I love you so much, and I couldn’t understand how it was possible for me not to feel the same velocity of love flowing from you. I forgot that we are different beings, I forgot that I fell in love with your calmness. I wanted you all to myself, I couldn’t bear to understand how you would live a passing minute without waiting to be with me. But you are you, you were you before I came. I didn’t respect that. I wanted to be in your physical and cyber space, not because I intended to ruin you, but because I love you. I sound crazy, even to myself I sound crazy. Now I realize.
I hurt your ego when you couldn’t provide for me, and I turned to others to do so. I can imagine how belittled you must have felt. Unable to stop me and at the same time burning with rage inside. I couldn’t see this. I didn’t understand. In my head, we needed the money. It was for us. But really it hurt us more than it helped us.
One thing I can hit my chest boldly and scream out at the rooftop to all who care to listen is that no other man had canal knowledge of me while I was with you.
But the flirtations here and there. the leading on of other men, the disrespect for our relationship, invariably, disrespect for you, I was guilty of.
I gave you reason to doubt me. Reason to be bitter, reason to feel betrayed.
I hurt you with pressure. The excessive pressure to do what I wanted. I tried to remold you into the man in my fantasy. I didn’t acknowledge the man that you were right in front of me.
I hurt you in numerous way. Now I see and I understand. The insight comes a little too late, and I can no longer mend our broken hearts. But I can apologize for torturing you with love.
With Sugary Hands….