Early MidLife Crisis

So hi, it’s SugaRush.
Yeah I know you are mad.
Sorry -_-

This is not a story. It’s not a rant either. It’s not supposed to be an amazing work of art. (so those of you who read my posts and see the need to tell me that my writing was not good enough, should please stay clear)

It’s just a flow of my thoughts. I’m sincerely certain that I’m in an early midlife crisis.

I’ve got almost everything that I need at this stage of my life. I have great friends, a job that makes me smile, a good sense of humour, an amazing body (yes, it is and I know), good grades, a boyfriend, boys that stalk me and a bank account that reminds me of a straight face smiley.

But I am not happy.

I’m really not. Nothing seems to please me anymore. Things that used to excite me have become mundane. I’ve tried being happy, but it’s like pouring water in a basket.
So I’m writing this, to probably rationalize why and how I got to this point.

I met a middle aged man in a public transport some days ago. He was clad in native, he had the air of a Yoruba man born into a wealthy family and had Western Education all his life. He wore no hair on his head. I’m guessing he is probably bald.

We began a conversation about Chiamanda Adichie. (I love that woman, I think my existence is to worship her writing) So me and Middle-Aged Stranger began talking for more than an hour on every and anything. We talked about Nigerian politics, education, Vladimir Putin (this guy is my favourite topic), Twitter, Boko haram and just about anything.

Then suddenly I realized that I was laughing, sharing and actually enjoying myself with a complete stranger and it came so easy to me.
I couldn’t remember sharing with anyone that earnestly in a while. I have ,for a while been the accepting one, always being there for others, listening to them, encouraging them, going out of my way to make them happy and never expecting anything in return.

In truth, I actually do expect these things in return but I never say that I do. I pretend that I don’t care. But I care. I really do care. I fucking care.

I want to be pampered. To be pleased. To be supported. To be surprised. I want all these things. I want to receive attention rather than only give it.

Maybe that was why I was happy to jump on a strangers little attention. A listening stranger. A stranger than looked at me with tender admiration. A stranger that gave me attention.

I’m kinda sounding like I’m attention hungry. Well, who isn’t?

I want more. I don’t exactly know what more is, but I know I want it.

midlifecrisis

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SCREAM!!

So I haven’t written in months.

I write to express feelings and or fantasies. I write to speak. I write to hold. I write to listen to my voice above the noise of peoples opinions. I write to set free emotions causing a tide inside of my head. I write to immortalize.

For months I haven’t written.

Not because I haven’t had feelings or fantasies. Not because I haven’t felt the need to speak. Not because I haven’t found something to expose.

Majorly because, I didn’t want to immortalize.

These months have been the most emotionally draining months of my life. I have created life in beings and ideas, and I have killed them. I have risen in my head above status quo and societal restrictions and i have fallen. I have taken up responsibilities and I’m failing to deliver.
I have tried to stretch my self to love others selflessly, over and above how I love my self, in a way that I have never done before, without asking for that type of love in return. But I have failed to be selfless, I have hoped, prayed, demanded and fought for the same type of love to be shown to me. And I’ve come to the sad but reliving conclusion that I can never get the same measure back.
I have fallen to the realization that I’m less than what I thought I was.
I have crumbled under the subtle belittling of who I am, or probably who I thought I was. I have listened to the joking but firm voice that told me that I had the wrong priorities, the wrong ideologies and literally every thing that I have done till this point of life, has been wrong. I have fallen to the point where I live to get the approval and validation of someone else. I live for the flicker of approval in the eyes…the eyes of the person, who doesn’t even know that all I seek is approval.

I have felt different waves of emotions that I didn’t want to immortalize. Castles in the sky that I didn’t want to build.

Today, I suddenly felt the strongest urge to scream. I felt like I had reached my threshold, the lid could no longer cover it.
I don’t know what the trigger point was, maybe it was my holding on to my phone for hours on end waiting for that call, that ping or something and realizing how much of myself I have lost to another.
Maybe it was my conversation with that strange dude that felt so comfortable to talk to, like really talk to without the fear of sounding silly or not smart enough.
Maybe it was watching Carol King’s adaptation of For Colored Girls.

I don’t know.

All I know is I wanted to scream. To scream and shout at everyone and everything that ever made me second guess myself.
Scream and tell you that I might not be smart enough and be a little to vain, but I’m perfect in my way.
Scream that I love my vanity, I love my pride, I love my ego and I was done changing for anyone.
Scream that I am who I am.
Scream that I am.
I am who I am, and all my flaws make me a strong woman.

I really don’t know if this makes any sense to you but it does to me, and that’s all that matters today.SavedPicture-2014610124851.jpg

Close Call

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Last week I was down with a terrible case of food poisoning and I almost died. The doctors say that I was lucky that I was brought it when I was cos the damage was fatal and caused wounds in my stomach. Laying down on that bed with the drips pumping the drugs through my veins I thought. What would have happened if I died?

Will the soldier ants that marched to invest my room halt and give a salute?
How long will my friends cry? Will they be late for my funeral? How long will my lover stay celibate before he pounces on another woman in obedience to his loins? Will he love me in death or love another? Would my sister be quick to burn my clothes, or would she drown them in her tears?
Will my boring law lecturers become lively and funny for one day, in memory of me?

What would be written on my tomb stone? Will my little shop close down? How many people would genuinely miss me? How nice would my funeral be? Would it be epic or just a regular “one more person gone” funeral?

Then I realized that none of these questions would ever be answered. Atleast, not to my hearing.
I had a close call, but I’m still here. I have a duty to myself to make my life count. I’m not going to be a regular girl, I can’t afford to be. I’m not going to value your opinion of me so much I can’t afford to waste any more time. I won’t live to patronize anybody, my life is too precious.

Forgive me now if I smile too easily, I have to appreciate all I can. Forgive me now if I can’t be bothered with your drama, it’s really not my kind of art anymore. Forgive me now if I love too easily, my heart would stop beating eventually, why can’t I make every beat into a song?
Forgive me now if I’m a little too focused on myself, I only have a little time, I might as well get to know me.

I’m going to do me. I’m going to do right by God and by myself. I’m going to live everyday reminding myself that if I’m gonna have a great funeral, I have to have an even better life.

With Sugary Love,
SugaRush

Vortex

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Yo!! It’s Teebabsy

Hope we had a lovely week.

So I haven’t written in weeks, trust me it’s not cuz I haven’t had things to write about but I’ve been swamped with a whirlwind of emotions.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m currently going through a phase in my life. It’s not a midlife crisis but I feel like I’m surrounded by a vortex; the strength and pull which each swirl sweeping everything in it’s wake; it’s like life’s being sucked out of me.

It’s that moment when you’re lonely in a crowded room with lots of depressing thoughts. Things that used to matter or people that did don’t anymore because at this point, you realise that no one’s got your back better than yourself.

It’s the feeling of betrayed trust, unreciprocated love or attention, failed friendships and disappointing discoveries. It’s being sick of the stereotypes and roles society has meted out for me to conform to.

It’s realizing that being the strong one means that no one would offer you a hand. It’s that moment you realize you don’t laugh as much as you used to or care about things the way you used to. It’s not being interested in conversations or happenings around you.

Everything is just a drab and it’s almost like I’m becoming numb to everything around me.

But today, I write in a bid to express myself and to let it all out. This is me breaking free; letting loose of all strongholds. I refuse to be defined by the standards of society and disappointments of others. I refuse to let life give me a beat down. I’m taking control and it’s happening with baby steps.

There’s an Ancient Arab saying that goes thus “throw your heart out right in front of you and run ahead to catch it”. It simply means find what you love and keep doing it. It’s knowing who are you and being certain that it’s more than enough.

I am more than enough!!!

XOXO

With Sugary Love…

A lot like love

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Yo!! It’s Teebabsy!!

😀

Hope we all had a great week??

Mine was just insanely busy but Oluwa is always involved!!

TGIF right???

😉

So earlier this week, my girls and I were gisting and one of them made a statement. We were talking about this New era “love” and she goes “love doesn’t mean anything these days, I love you is now a slang”

On hearing that statement, I laughed till my sides hurt but later on, I got to thinking and it led to this post!

Prior to our age of maturity, we all had certain notions about love. Trust me after watching Disney as a kid, you’ve got to have certain expectations.

Some of us viewed it as that deep emotional connection or bond you share with a person dear to your heart; someone who sees you as you are yet loves you with all your flaws.

Others viewed it as the definition provided by the bible in 1st Corinthians 13. Some view it as friendship intensified. Well, my Point is we all had certain beliefs.

Personally, I’d go with the first two definitions given above; to me they capture the whole essence of love, especially that In the Bible.

But the sad thing is that in this era of ours, the word has been ridiculed and belittled. It’s become a shadow of what it truly portrays.

With the aid of social media platforms, people who’ve only known you a month or two throw the word carelessly around.

Others have equated love to be the pleasure found in between the thighs of a male or female; absence of which tends to place the so called relationship on a decline.

It might begin with an “I love the kind of person you are and it ends with a “you’re not the person I used to know”. The love story ends faster than you can say Jack Robbinson.

But if it were really love, I thought it wasn’t meant to be selfish, take record of wrong doings, wasn’t boastful and never failed. So where do we all get it wrong??

So many of us can’t even tell the difference between love and something seemingly close to it. So we settle for something that’s a lot like love.

The point is we see the signs but we choose not to pay attention; the nagging, aggressiveness, failed promises, constant lies, the reproachful nature, interest in only the physical and hardly anything emotional. The partner that’s more into mere expression of words without any actual action.

If there’s anything harder than not finding the real thing, it has to be settling for the counterfeit of the real thing.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to feel or find the kind of love Juliet or Ruth felt; love powerful enough to leave loved ones for or that expressed by Esther; love that gives you reason to love and trust an arch enemy.

Does it still exist or I’m just way in over my head???

The answers elude me as the 21st Century love with it’s rules and requirements have made us all oblivious to the importance and power that word “love”carries; it’s not a piece of dirty laundry to be tossed around.

If anyone were ever to say those words to me, I would appreciate if it were honestly expressed.

It’s something that should be deeply felt, well thought out before it’s said. It’s a word that carries a lot of weight.

There’s this saying that in order to see a rainbow, you must be prepared to experience a heavy downpour. We don’t get to choose if we get hurt in this world, but we do have a say in who hurts us and we can only hope they are as happy with their choices as we are with them as ours.

I know not what a love as beautiful and true as Juliet’s feels like but I can only hope that when we find it, we’d be brave enough to embrace it…

XOXO

With Sugary Love…

If Only

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Yo!! It’s Teebabsy!!!

Told you guys I was back, didn’t i??

😀

In one of my thought sessions, it struck me that sometimes it happens that we don’t know the value of a person or something till we lose it or it’s out of our reach.

Today’s post is dedicated to those who have loved, to those who weren’t bold enough to love and those who were loved but lost that love along the way!!

In the end, all that really matters are the people we loved,how they loved us back and the things we did for such love!! The worst fate is to live a life without love.

So guys love deeply and truly. Without further ado, I present to you;

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If only

By: @teebabsy

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If only time’s winged Chariot never passed too quickly
If only I could flicker through time and pause or rewind it
If only I had said the things I ought to
If only I could see you hold me in your eyes once again

A century away it seems; that time when you once called me ‘yours’
From random greetings and conversations, our love story blossomed
Just like the Hibiscus flower at summer’s first smile

I was yours and you were mine
But my thoughts were never in line
Scared of my feelings and the hurt it could do,
I tried to keep it at bay

You expressed it; I suppressed it
You protected it; I neglected it
Without the proper attention, it withered away
Love is life; it must be kept alive

Love you; that I did
But a coward I was to own up to it
So I let it slide and acted like it was alright
When my insides cried out with all their might

We’ve seized to be; now I wonder if we’d ever still be
A veil has been lifted and I see clearer than ever
A thunderstorm of emotions drowning me after your exit

We see each other but it’s not as it was
An empty glance and a cold shoulder is all I get from you
It’s almost like we never happened

So I sit here by my window acutely aware that it’s time to let go as I watch you Slipping away from me; Longing for you, yearning for that which I had so foolishly rejected and repeating to myself; if only…

XOXO

With Sugary Love…….

It’s all about Sugar

Yo!! It’s Teebabsy!!!

😀

Yes guys, I know it’s been ages and I’m sorry but I’m back and better, trust me so much to write about!! Can’t start explaining, too much water under the bridge.

;D

Today however is a special day cuz it belongs to my boo, baby, sweetheart and dearest friend to my heart!! It’s Sugarush’s birthday!!

It’s amazing how you meet a person and then suddenly you are inseparable, the person becomes a part of you.

So to you sweetie I say it for the whole world to hear, I love you, I treasure you, you are a wonderful person. I’d always be there for you even at odd hours when you need someone to talk to you.

I’d get mad at anyone you’re mad at and even probably hold the grudge the longest cuz that’s what a special person like you deserves.

You make me see reasons that it’s truly not about how long it’s been with a person but how well!!

So in summary, on this special day, I just thought to tell the world how amazing you are; I love you so much!!!!

Have fun boo, my very own Highflyer!!

Wish this special babe a happy birthday on @mercysuga_rush!!

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