So I haven’t written in months.
I write to express feelings and or fantasies. I write to speak. I write to hold. I write to listen to my voice above the noise of peoples opinions. I write to set free emotions causing a tide inside of my head. I write to immortalize.
For months I haven’t written.
Not because I haven’t had feelings or fantasies. Not because I haven’t felt the need to speak. Not because I haven’t found something to expose.
Majorly because, I didn’t want to immortalize.
These months have been the most emotionally draining months of my life. I have created life in beings and ideas, and I have killed them. I have risen in my head above status quo and societal restrictions and i have fallen. I have taken up responsibilities and I’m failing to deliver.
I have tried to stretch my self to love others selflessly, over and above how I love my self, in a way that I have never done before, without asking for that type of love in return. But I have failed to be selfless, I have hoped, prayed, demanded and fought for the same type of love to be shown to me. And I’ve come to the sad but reliving conclusion that I can never get the same measure back.
I have fallen to the realization that I’m less than what I thought I was.
I have crumbled under the subtle belittling of who I am, or probably who I thought I was. I have listened to the joking but firm voice that told me that I had the wrong priorities, the wrong ideologies and literally every thing that I have done till this point of life, has been wrong. I have fallen to the point where I live to get the approval and validation of someone else. I live for the flicker of approval in the eyes…the eyes of the person, who doesn’t even know that all I seek is approval.
I have felt different waves of emotions that I didn’t want to immortalize. Castles in the sky that I didn’t want to build.
Today, I suddenly felt the strongest urge to scream. I felt like I had reached my threshold, the lid could no longer cover it.
I don’t know what the trigger point was, maybe it was my holding on to my phone for hours on end waiting for that call, that ping or something and realizing how much of myself I have lost to another.
Maybe it was my conversation with that strange dude that felt so comfortable to talk to, like really talk to without the fear of sounding silly or not smart enough.
Maybe it was watching Carol King’s adaptation of For Colored Girls.
I don’t know.
All I know is I wanted to scream. To scream and shout at everyone and everything that ever made me second guess myself.
Scream and tell you that I might not be smart enough and be a little to vain, but I’m perfect in my way.
Scream that I love my vanity, I love my pride, I love my ego and I was done changing for anyone.
Scream that I am who I am.
Scream that I am.
I am who I am, and all my flaws make me a strong woman.
I really don’t know if this makes any sense to you but it does to me, and that’s all that matters today.
….With Sugary Love